DO YOU HAVE A DIFFICULT PARENT?

From: Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent: A Guide for Stresssed-Out Children, by Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane with Irwin Lebow (Avon Books, 1999)

A. Dependency Behaviors.

  1. cannot tolerate being alone, wants you all the time.
  2. becomes ill or hostile when fac­ing sepa­ration.
  3. makes irrational demands on children and others.
  4. attaches to someone leaning on that person (daughter/son).
  5. can’t make decisions, even trivial ones.
  6. cannot allow self to depend on others even when help is needed.

B. "Turn-off" Behaviors.

  1. tends to view others as all good or all bad, sometimes changing from day to day.
  2. is extremely negative and com­plains of unhappiness.
  3. is hypercritical of others and hy­persensitive to criticism.
  4. is tactless.
  5. has to be "right" all the time.
  6. is angry and hostile, while blaming others for the same charac­teristics.
  7. has temper tantrums, throws things, or uses abusive language.
  8. is distrustful and suspicious, sometimes to the point of paranoia.
  9. pushes people away, or even cuts off the relationship.

C. Self-centered Behaviors:

  1. has a distorted self image, view­ing self as "something special" at one end, or inadequate at the other.
  2. sees events solely as to how they affect self, not others.
  3. is insensitive to needs of others,  thinking of self as generous.
  4. guards own turf.
  5. is jealous of others.

D. Controlling Behaviors.  

  1. manipulates using guilt or flat­tery.
  2. antagonizes others by behaving passively  or  withdrawing.
  3. elicits feelings in others that reflect own helplessness or rage.
  4. cannot tolerate differences, whether great or small.
  5. becomes angry and hostile when people don't behave as de­sired.
  6. makes demands so excessive that the opposite effect is achieved.

E. Self-destructive Behaviors. 

  1. ever been addicted to alcohol, drugs, or medicines.
  2. ever  had eating disorders.
  3. ever behaved compulsively by gambling, hair-pulling,washing,etc.
  4. ever been accident-prone.
  5. behaved masochistically, e.g., doesn't comply with dietary restric­tions or refuses to take medication.
  6. ever been suicidal or threatened suicide.

F. Fearfulness Behaviors. 

  1. is a worry wart, anxious over real or imagined occurrences.
  2. is subject to panic attacks.
  3. has phobias, fear of crowds, germs, etc.
  4. has sleep problems.
  5. behaves ritualistically and su­perstitiously.
  6. has magical expectations, e.g., goes doctor shopping seeking a cure.
  7. tends to deny the obvious, e.g., symptoms of illness.
  8. is preoccupied with physical problems, real or imagined.­
©1994. If you reproduce this questionnaire, please include the title and the reference to the book printed be­neath it.